Week 12 of 16 · Test Cycle 2. This lesson is part of The Black Belt Mindset, the character curriculum every new Mile High Karate student begins with, by Grand Master Stephen Oliver and Grand Master Jeff Smith. Every week stands alone, so a student can start with any lesson.
| Black Belt Success Skill | Total Self-Confidence |
|---|---|
| Black Belt Quality | Positive Self-Esteem |
| Principle of the Black Belt | Modesty |
| Key Word | EARN |
| Live the Creed | “I intend to develop myself in a positive manner and avoid anything that would reduce my mental growth or physical health.” |
“Showing off is the fool’s idea of glory.”
Bruce Lee
The Big Idea
Real self-esteem comes from what you earn, not from comparing yourself to others.
On this page: Read the chapter · Workbook lesson · For instructors: Mat Chat
Read: Like Who You Are
Every year, Mile High Karate holds a Black Belt Retreat in the Colorado mountains. Today it is in Breckenridge. The Black Belt test there has run about 48 hours from start to finish. A photo from 2007 shows me teaching 150 Black Belts on their 43rd straight hour, at 8,500 feet above sea level.
It is hard. It is supposed to be hard.
When it is over, I do something I have done for many years. I sit down with the brand-new Black Belts and their parents. And I ask them one question.
“If I gave you $1,000,000 right now, would you give back everything you gained on the way to Black Belt? The confidence. The discipline. The friendships. The person you became. All of it. Gone. For a million dollars.”
By 2007, I had asked 487 Black Belts and their parents that question.
Every single one said no.
Not one person took the money.
Why Nobody Takes the Money
Think about that. A million dollars is a lot of money. You could buy a lot of video games with a million dollars. You could buy a house.
So why does everybody say no?
Because they know what they earned is worth more. They know they changed. They became stronger, braver and more focused. They know they did something hard and did not quit. You cannot buy that. And once you have it, you do not want to sell it.
That feeling has a name. It is called self-esteem.
What Self-Esteem Really Is
Self-esteem means liking and respecting who you are. It means believing you have value.
But here is the important part. Real self-esteem is earned.
Some people think self-esteem comes from hearing “Good job!” a hundred times a day. It doesn’t. If someone says “Good job” when you did a bad job, you know it. Deep down, it does not feel good.
Real self-esteem comes from doing something real. You practice. You get better. You pass the test. You keep a promise. Then you feel proud, and you should.
That is why we never just hand out belts at Mile High Karate. Rank is earned, never sold. When you tie on a new belt, you know you earned it. That is real self-esteem.
Don’t Measure Yourself With Someone Else’s Ruler
Here is a trap a lot of people fall into. They decide how they feel about themselves by looking at other people.
“She’s better at sparring than me, so I’m not good.”
“He has a bigger house than me, so I’m not doing well.”
This is like measuring your height with someone else’s ruler. It never works. There will always be someone faster, smarter or richer. There will also always be someone who is behind you.
A Black Belt compares only one person: you today versus you yesterday.
Here is a kid example. Imagine a 7-year-old who just earned her gold belt. Next to her is a 12-year-old with a blue belt. If she compares herself to the older student, she might feel small. But if she compares herself to where she was three months ago, she will see that she can do things she could not do before. That is something to be proud of.
Here is an adult example. Imagine a man who starts karate at age 45. In his class are teenagers who can kick over their heads. If he compares himself to them, he might feel silly and quit. But if he notices that he can now touch his toes, that his back feels better and that he has more energy at work, he will keep going. And he will feel good about himself for the right reasons.
In Their Own Words
“I trained hard and when I raced him again, I lost. But the loss gave me hope. It was a much closer loss. I kept at it… Eventually I was able to beat him around the track…”
Erik Chen, Black Belt essay
Self-Esteem Is Not Bragging
Some people mix up self-esteem with bragging. They are not the same thing. In fact, they are close to opposites.
People who brag usually do not feel good inside. They need other people to tell them they are great. So they show off.
People with real self-esteem do not need to show off. They already know what they are worth. They can be quiet. They can be kind. They can cheer for other people, because someone else winning does not make them smaller.
The best Black Belts I know are humble. They are confident and kind at the same time.
Black Belt Success Skill
Total Self-Confidence. Winning Black Belts know they can accomplish anything they are willing to work for. They are not knocked down by other people’s negative words, and they do not settle for “just okay.” Total self-confidence is not something you are born with. It is built from proof. Every promise you keep and every hard thing you finish is one more piece of proof that you can do it. The more proof you collect, the less anyone can shake you. Start today: finish one hard thing you could have skipped, and then tell yourself, “I earned that.”
Live the Creed
Student Creed: “I intend to develop myself in a positive manner and avoid anything that would reduce my mental growth or physical health.”
Principle of the Black Belt: Modesty
Our Student Creed says you develop yourself in a positive manner. Liking who you are is part of that. But there is a difference between self-esteem and showing off. The Principle of the Black Belt this week is Modesty: being quietly proud of the work you have done, while still treating every other student as just as important as you.
How to Build It
You cannot get self-esteem from a store. You build it the same way you build a strong kick, a little at a time.
Every time you keep a promise to yourself, your self-esteem grows. Every time you do your best even when nobody is watching, it grows. Every time you help someone, it grows. Every time you try something hard, it grows, even if you don’t get it right the first time.
And every time you quit something easy, cheat or break a promise, it shrinks a little. You know it, even if nobody else does.
From Grand Master Smith
Grand Master Jeff Smith has taught children for a very long time. He likes to catch kids doing something good.
At his schools, a student who helped at home without being asked could earn a self-discipline sticker. At Mile High Karate, the same kind of choice can earn an Attitude Stripe. And when a teacher recognizes a student in class, Grand Master Smith says, “all the other kids cheer for you.”
Notice what is being cheered. It is not who is the fastest or the strongest. It is a good choice that student made. That is how real self-esteem is built.
Grand Master Smith puts it this way: “If you get to black belt, you now have lifelong skills for a higher level of discipline, respect and confidence.”
Lifelong skills. That is what those 487 people were not willing to sell. Not a belt. Not a certificate. The skills and the confidence that come with them, which stay with you for the rest of your life.
In Their Own Words
“My son is very introverted and struggled a lot with social anxiety. Since he has been in karate, our extended family compliments him all the time on his confidence and leadership abilities.”
Mindy Davis, parent review
Black Belt and Beyond
This week you will see yourself as a Black Belt again, but this time with “I am” words.
In your workbook, write the date you will earn your Black Belt. Then draw yourself as a Black Belt, or paste a photo of your face on a Black Belt picture. Around it, write six “I am” statements about the Black Belt you are becoming. “I am strong.” “I am focused.” “I am kind to new students.” Your parent will add how they see you as a Black Belt, too.
If you made a picture like this before, compare the two. What has changed in how you see yourself? That change is your self-esteem growing.
Why do this? Because confidence grows from what you can see. When you can see the Black Belt you are becoming, you start acting like that person today.
And see past the first belt. Picture yourself as a 2nd Degree Black Belt helping a nervous white belt on their first day. That is a confident person.
How a Black Belt Does It
- Earn it today. Do one hard thing you could have skipped. Real pride comes from real effort.
- Compare yourself only to yourself. Ask, “Am I better than I was last month?”
- Keep your promises to yourself. If you say you’ll practice 10 minutes, practice 10 minutes.
- Cheer for others. Someone else’s success does not take anything away from you.
- Stay humble. Let your actions speak. You don’t need to brag.
This week’s challenge
This week’s challenge: every day, finish one hard thing you could have skipped, and write down “Today I earned…”
In Class This Week
Key Word: EARN
Instructor: “How do you get self-esteem?”
Students: “I earn it!”
In class, you will cheer for classmates who make good choices. When your instructor calls out a good choice, the whole class claps for that student.
Say It Out Loud
I like who I am, and I like who I am becoming.
I am confident because I earn what I get.
I compare myself only to me, and I am getting better every day.
Words to Know
- Self-esteem: liking and respecting who you are
- Earn: to get something because you worked for it
- Compare: to look at two things to see how they are alike or different
- Humble: not bragging or showing off, even when you are good at something
- Confidence: believing you can do something because you have proof
For Parents and Adult Students
For adults, self-esteem is often tied to work, income or appearance. Those are other people’s rulers. Try measuring by your own: Did I keep my word today? Did I do my best work? Did I treat people well? Those are things you control.
Parents, the most powerful thing you can do is praise effort and choices, not talent. “You practiced every night this week, and it shows” builds more lasting self-esteem than “You’re so talented.” And resist the urge to make things easy. Letting your child struggle, and then succeed, is how they earn the kind of confidence nobody can take away.
This week, fill in the “How my parents see me as a Black Belt” lines in your child’s workbook. Be specific. Your words will become part of the picture they carry.
Remember
- Real self-esteem is earned. It comes from doing real things.
- Compare yourself only to you, yesterday.
- Self-esteem is quiet. Bragging is loud.
- Confidence is built from proof. Collect some every day.
- What you gain on the way to Black Belt is worth more than a million dollars.
Workbook Lesson: Week 12
Print the full workbook below, or answer these on paper. Young students can have a parent help them read and write.
1. Words to Know
- Self-esteem: liking and respecting who you are
- Earn: to get something because you worked for it
- Compare: to look at two things to see how they are alike or different
- Humble: not bragging or showing off, even when you are good at something
- Confidence: believing you can do something because you have proof
2. Fill in the Blank
- Rank is earned, never .
- A Black Belt compares only one person: you today versus you .
- Total self-confidence is not something you are born with. It is built from .
Answers
1) sold; 2) yesterday; 3) proof
3. Think About It
- Why do you think nobody would trade what they gained on the way to Black Belt for a million dollars?
- What is the difference between bragging and real self-esteem?
- Name something you can do now that you could not do three months ago.
- Teens & Adults: Whose “ruler” do you sometimes use to measure yourself? What would your own ruler measure instead?
4. Black Belt and Beyond: this week’s goal step
See Yourself as a Black Belt, in “I Am” Words
Module 4: Visualization Worksheet, revisited
Self-motivation arrives through visualization. Draw the Black Belt you are becoming, then describe that person with “I am” statements.
- The date I will earn my 1st Degree Black Belt: ________________
- The date I will earn my 2nd Degree Black Belt: ________________
Draw yourself as a Black Belt, or paste a photo of your face on a Black Belt picture. (Space for this is in the printed workbook.)
Six “I am” statements about me as a Black Belt (example: I am focused. I am kind to new students.) ______________________________
Parents: how I see my child as a Black Belt (write four) ______________________________
What has changed since the last time I pictured myself as a Black Belt? ______________________________
Signatures: Student, Parent
5. Activity: Me Then, Me Now
Draw two pictures of yourself. On one side, draw or write what you could do when you started. On the other side, draw or write what you can do now. Under them, write one sentence about how you feel about your progress.
6. Home Challenge: Earn It Every Day
Every day this week, finish one hard thing you could have skipped: extra practice, a chore done without help, homework finished before play. Write what you earned. A parent signs at the end of the week.
Do it 7 days in a row. Track each day (Today I earned…). When every day is done and a parent signs off, turn it in for an attitude stripe.
7. My Self-Talk
Write a self-talk sentence that shows you like who you are and who you are becoming. Start with: “I am…”
8. Live the Creed
Say the Student Creed out loud every day this week. Then write about one time this week you showed Modesty.
For Instructors: Week 12 Mat Chat
A 3–4 minute line-up lesson built on the Hook, Teach, Story, Ask, Commit formula, with a discussion guide for every age on the mat.
Objective: By the end of this Mat Chat, students will be able to explain that real self-esteem is earned, compare themselves only to who they were before, and name one hard thing they will finish each day this week and one “I am” statement about the Black Belt they are becoming.
Prepare:
- A ruler (or a belt held straight) to show “someone else’s ruler” during the Teach.
- Pick the hard set for the Proof Round (for example, 20 slow front kicks or a one-minute horse stance) and scale it for Little Dragons.
- Recruit a Black Belt or Leadership Team helper to share one thing they can do now that they couldn’t when they started.
- Have the workbook visualization page (“I am” statements) ready to show.
The Mat Chat (3–4 minutes)
Hook (0:00–0:30). Students, eyes on me. I have a question for you. What if somebody offered you a million dollars right now? There’s just one catch. You have to give back everything you learned in karate. Your kicks. Your confidence. Your friends here. The person you’re becoming. All of it, gone. Hands up if you’d take the deal. [Pause and look around.] Hmm. Not many hands. Hold that thought. Our key word this week is EARN.
Teach (0:30–1:30). Self-esteem means liking and respecting who you are. And here’s the big secret: real self-esteem is EARNED. It doesn’t come from hearing “good job” a hundred times. It comes from doing a good job. At Mile High Karate, rank is earned, never sold. Our Black Belt Success Skill this week is Total Self-Confidence. That means you know you can do anything you’re willing to work for. You’re not born with it. You build it from proof. [Hold up the ruler.] Now watch out for a trap. Don’t measure yourself with somebody else’s ruler. There will always be someone faster or stronger. A Black Belt compares only one person: you today versus you yesterday. And real confidence is quiet. Bragging is loud. The best Black Belts are confident and kind at the same time.
Story (1:30–2:30). Every year, Mile High Karate holds a Black Belt Retreat in the Colorado mountains. Today it’s in Breckenridge. The Black Belt test there has run about 48 hours from start to finish. It is hard. It is supposed to be hard. When it’s over, Grand Master Oliver sits down with the brand-new Black Belts and their parents and asks one question: “If I gave you a million dollars right now, would you give back everything you gained on the way to Black Belt? The confidence. The discipline. The friendships. The person you became.” By 2007, he had asked 487 Black Belts and their parents. How many took the money? (Zero!) Not one. Why? Because they earned it. Grand Master Smith says, “If you get to black belt, you now have lifelong skills for a higher level of discipline, respect and confidence.” Lifelong skills. That’s what nobody would sell.
Ask (2:30–3:15). Quick questions. Does self-esteem come from hearing “good job” or from doing a good job? (Doing a good job!) Who is the only person you should compare yourself to? (Me, yesterday!) Is bragging the same as self-esteem? (No!) Turn to a partner. Tell them one thing you can do now that you couldn’t do when you started karate. Go! [Allow about 20 seconds.] Hands up if your partner said something that made you proud of them.
Commit (3:15–3:45). Here’s your challenge for the next seven days: Earn It Every Day. Every day, finish one hard thing you could have skipped. Extra practice. A chore with no help. Homework before play. Write down what you earned. Then draw yourself as a Black Belt and write six “I am” statements about that person. That’s proof you’re on your way to your Black Belt date, and Black Belt and beyond. How do you get self-esteem? (I earn it!)
Call and response
Instructor: How do you get self-esteem?
Students: I earn it!
Key Word: EARN
Discussion Guide
Aim: Help students feel proud of real, specific progress they have earned, measured against their own starting point rather than other people, and connect that proof to seeing themselves as a future Black Belt.
Little Dragons (ages 4–6)
- Show me something you can do now that you couldn’t do on your very first day!
- When a friend does a great kick, do you clap for them? Show me your best clap.
Kids (ages 7–12)
- Why do you think nobody would trade what they gained on the way to Black Belt for a million dollars?
- What is the difference between bragging and real self-esteem? What does each one sound like?
- What is one hard thing you could finish this week that you would usually skip?
Teens and adults
- Whose ruler do you sometimes use to measure yourself, at school, work or online? What would your own ruler measure instead?
- Think of something you are truly proud of. What did you have to do to earn it?
- Why might hearing “you’re so talented” build less confidence than “you worked hard and it shows”?
Listen for:
- Self-esteem is earned through real effort, kept promises and finished hard things, not handed out.
- Comparing yourself to who you were, not to other students.
- Confidence is quiet and kind; bragging is a sign of needing others’ approval.
- An “I am” picture of themselves as a Black Belt, tied to actions they can take now.
Follow-up questions:
- What would that look like at home tomorrow?
- How will you feel when you write “Today I earned…” in your tracker?
- What is one “I am” statement you can start acting like today, before you ever wear a black belt?
Coaching cautions
- Don’t compare students to each other when praising; name specific effort and choices (“Great focus on that stance, Emma!”) rather than talent.
- Students who feel behind (newer, older adults, or those who struggle) may feel small; point them to their own progress, and if someone says something very negative about themselves, thank them, reframe gently, and speak with the parent privately.
- Keep the million-dollar question about what students gained, not about money; move quickly to the skills nobody can buy.
If the room is quiet: Have your Black Belt helper go first with “When I started I couldn’t…, now I can…,” then let each student show (not tell) one move they can do now that they couldn’t before.
Into the Mat Drill
- Mat drill: Proof Round: give the class a hard set (for example, 20 slow front kicks or a one-minute horse stance). Students who finish without stopping step forward and say ‘I earned that!’ while the class cheers. Then pair students and have each one name one thing their partner can do now that they couldn’t do when they started.
- Leader role: The Black Belt or Leadership Team helper shares one thing they can do now that they couldn’t when they started, then leads the class cheer for each student who steps forward in the Proof Round.
- Open next class: Open next class by asking, “Hands up if you wrote ‘Today I earned…’ every day so far. Who will tell us one hard thing they finished?”
Black Belt and Beyond: Module 4: Visualization Worksheet, revisited
Checkpoint: Progress Update: about 1 month (8 classes) before graduation
- Have students complete a fresh visualization worksheet with every thought bubble written as an ‘I am’ statement.
- Compare it with the cycle 1 sheet: ask each student what has changed in how they see themselves.
- Award an attitude stripe for each returned worksheet, and hold 1-month Progress Updates this week.
Adult and parent tip: Parents: praise effort and choices, not talent, and write specific lines in the ‘how I see my child as a Black Belt’ section. Adults: measure your day by your own ruler: Did I keep my word? Did I do my best?
Teaching tip: Praise effort and choices by name (“Great focus on that stance, Emma!”), not talent. Have students cheer for a classmate who made a good choice, so the whole class learns what is worth celebrating.
Download the complete books (PDF): The Black Belt Mindset · The Workbook · The Instructor’s Manual
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Train at Mile High Karate Thornton, 3979 E 120th Ave, Thornton, CO 80233. Call (303) 280-1839, or see class schedules and enrollment at ThorntonMHK.com.